I’m still standing

HELLO HELLO HELLO. Yes, I’m still alive and no, I have not forgotten about you wonderful readers! I was on holiday with a friend of mine and we literally walked like 2000 steps per day so I was far too tired to even consider blogging. My holiday was amazing, I saw so much and took so many photographs and my body is still in agony from it all, so if my legs aren’t made of steel pretty soon, I’ll be hella mad.

Okay, so moving on to all of the nitty gritty (I know that’s why you’re here), not much has happened since I’ve been away to be honest, I (obviously) haven’t met up with anyone knew but the messages are still flooding in and I’ve been doing my best to reply. In regards to the man that I went for coffee with, yeah I fucked that up but I’m actually not really that bothered tbh; like I wasn’t really that comfortable with that whole arrangement anyway, so him not talking to me anymore because I wanted to get paid per meet (a girls gotta eat). However, that being said, my inbox has not been inactive.

There was this one guy that I was messaging for a while (we even exchanged phone numbers, which I haven’t done with anyone else). He wanted the girlfriend experience, which was whenever he was in town he wanted to meet up and grab dinner, have sleepovers etc. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable sleeping with him because I didn’t actually know him and he seemed fine with that. BUTTTTT (because there’s always a but) when I was away he messaged me saying that he had booked a hotel room and asked if we could skip dinner (?????) so naturally, I messaged back all like ‘eh sorry but I think we might have a communication error because it was literally only supposed to be dinner’ and he was all ‘oh right, well I guess I’ll cancel the hotel room then’ and I was all ‘okay, sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable having sex with you considering we haven’t actually met before’ (because that’s so difficult to understand?). So then he messaged me again all like ‘Look, don’t think this is a good time to meet as I’m away for work for two months and I really wanted to blow off some steam before I go and since you don’t want to do what I’m looking for I think we should cancel’.

So then that got me thinking, because this guy had already agreed that he would be fine just getting to know each other before it got like super heavy, and then he just goes and changes his mind and then bails? (again, not really bothered). But what if every guy that I meet does that? Then a friend of mine was all like “what did you really think this was? Like guys only want sex from you, nothing else” which I thought was actually super mean but whatever, in the spirit of letting shit go and all that.

This really made me want to quit this whole thing and just ignore it and hope that it goes away and never think of it again, but then I remembered that I’m doing this for research (because for some reason or another I have completely lost my ability to write and this is getting me to write again) and I’m being safe and smart etc. So, I’m going to give it another try. Hopefully guy number 3 will be decent.

So, let’s talk about guy number 3. Let’s call him Steve. Steve and I are having dinner tonight, he’s made reservations at a fancy place in the city, and he seems nice. Once I told him about the whole ‘pay per meet’ thing he was a bit put off because he’s never done anything like this before either (or so he claims). I replied to him and said that I would only be looking for financing for the first few meets (mainly because I got a cash flow problem at the moment – which obviously I didn’t tell him) and he said that was fine. He’s like really funny and he’s actually really cute and sweet. I’m pretty excited/nervous about tonight. Like, what if it goes horribly and he’s mean? I suppose I could just leave. It’s not like we’re going to be in an isolated zone or whatever, it’s literally going to be in the heart of the city and I’m going to Uber to and from there so it’s not like he’s going to follow me home and try to kill me or whatever. I’m also excited because he seems genuine and also the food in the place we’re going is supposed to be amazing so I’m pretty happy with that – should probably check that they have an allergy menu or I’m going to be eating water. Being allergic to half of the planet is kind of irritating at times.

Anyway, so yeah that’s pretty much it. There have been messages from other people but nothing noteworthy, OH OH OH

THIS ONE GUY ASKED IF WE COULD MEET UP AND HE WOULD PAY ME TO “LICK, KISS AND SUCK MY TOES” –his words, not mine. Which is super weird and I hit the delete button on that thing so damn fast!

So yeah, in my new found sugarbaby life, it’s pretty boring and I’m still no closer to being financially sound. If tonight doesn’t go well, I may be forced to finish this piece of research right here and write the article I’ve been promising to write. That’s all I’ve got for now, I will write again tonight and fill you in on the happenings.



Day three – the first meet.


So, I’m literally just in the door from my first date with my first potential sugar daddy. Literally as soon as I got home, I kicked my heels off, tied my hair up and grabbed a bowl of cheerios. Because I’m super mature. And if that doesn’t tell you anything about women then I don’t know what will. So, I’m gonna tell you about the motions that I went through before the date, how the date went and what’s going to happen thereafter.

So, last night I literally couldn’t stop thinking about this date and what it meant. Did this make me a prostitute? Did it make me a whore? Being paid for your company, regardless of the involvement of sex is something that is massively looked down upon. And as a result, I spent the entire evening (when I should have been sleeping, so until like 4am) staring at my walls and wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. Did it make me a bad person? Should I just have cancelled the date? Should I have just deleted my entire online page and try and forget the hideous idea and move on, and hope and pray that my best friend didn’t use this as leverage when she wanted out of buying our weekly dominos addiction? These are great questions, and despite being great questions, they are questions that I decided to ignore.

I ignored them for like so many reasons, the first being that the entire arrangement was up to me. I didn’t have to do anything that I didn’t want to and Jesus Christ it was literally a coffee date, it’s not like he expected me to lay it down on the table right then and there. The second, was that I promised to be open minded and honest during this fucking weird situation. I’m here for research purposes, I’m here to make money and I’m here because I currently don’t have the ability to stand up for myself. And if there is anything I have learned within the last few days, it’s how to tell men to fuck off. (So ya know, yaaaaay progress). So, because of all of these reasons (yup, all three of them) I decided that I was going to go.

I fought through so many horrible thoughts and feelings and curbed every “UHHHHHH I DON’T WANNA DO THIS” thought and dressed up and left. (It’s also like pouring down with rain in Glasgow right now so that totally sucked). Every article I had read before said that you should dress elegantly and wear natural looking make up. (Which I did and it was so weird because I didn’t have winged eyeliner and highlighter on and it felt really weird but fuck it, when in Rome and all that).

THEN I LEFT THE HOUSE, GRABBED AN UBER AND ARRIVED. Well… I used my blow dryer / hair dryer to get the wrinkles out of my dress first and had to shower to wash away the fake tan smell (cause I’m a classy ass bitch) and then there I was, in Starbucks, face to face with him.

Well, I mean I totally had a sneaky cigarette right before I walked in and he ordered my coffee. At first it was like super awkward because what the hell are you even supposed to say to your potential sugar daddy, the man who is going to pay you cash money just to be his pal? So instead of suffering through awkward silences (which I don’t ever really have because I never know when to stop talking) I apologised about being late (I was like 15 minutes late shut up I was freaking out, okay?) and complained about the weather and about traffic and then we made small talk for a little while. He asked about my life plans and what I was currently doing work wise and he asked about my birthday plans (sadly, there was no birthday present I’m sad to announce, although to be fair, for all he knew I could have been a massive let down and then a birthday gift would have just been a total waste of the ££££, still, sad face).

He told me about his recent escapades on the website and asked what type of people I had come across -now obviously I overplayed the whole “guys have literally asked to pay me for sex, but I was like hell no I’m not prostitute” just to get the point across that I WILL NOT BE FUCKING RANDOM STRANGERS FOR MONEY. (Side note: I have nothing against prostitutes and if they want to fuck people for money then GIRL POWER because that shit takes balls and if they’re happy (which they probably are cause they’re probably loaded) then well done sweetheart, I’m so proud – no sarcasm intended). Aye, anyway, I think he got the message because he was all “yeah I totally understand and that’s not what I’m looking for at all, if it happens then fantastic but it’s the companionship I’m after too” which kinda made me a little dubious because isn’t that what they all say? Like how many times have you heard, “you’re so amazing, I just want to spend time with you and I’m not really bothered about the sex, if you don’t want to we won’t” and then ten minutes later he’s trying to grind against you during the opening credits?

That being said, he was actually a lovely guy. Yes, he’s at least twice my age and yes, it was super weird and totally out of my comfort zone but it was not even half as bad as I was expecting it to be. He was charming and funny and he did make me laugh a few times (bonus, cause I love guys that can make me laugh) so all in all, for a first date, it wasn’t too shabby. Like, I was totally freaking out that I would bump into someone that I knew, but once we started talking, the background kind of fell away and an hour just flew by. We probably talked for like an hour and a half in total. Which is weird, cause an hour and a half in my actual job, would have dragged the fuck on.

So, main points of conversation. He did ask that if we ever did become physical, that he should be the only person that I am involved with at that time. Which was totally understandable but also like, super weird because how would he actually know? Like I’m not saying that I’m going to be using a bunch of guys at the same time but like, if I was that type of person, how exactly would he ever find out? I guess he’s a very trusting person, because I would literally be like WHO TF IS THIS SLUT?! Like every day so that’s cool.

The next point that we discussed was the financial side of things. So, his current offer was £2000 per month for 2-3 dates (HOLY SHIT – I know right?) but this wasn’t specific enough for me, I wanted to know exactly what I was getting myself in for and exactly what was expected of me. I asked how the financial side would work and when it would begin (like would he only start paying me if we started fucking? BECAUSE HELLO THAT’S BEING A PROSTITUE!) So I did what any normal person would do. I asked him, pretty much like how I just wrote, subtle I know. I said that if the “date of intimacy” (let’s call it that) did coincide with the date of payment, then that would make me feel like a hoe and that I wasn’t comfortable with that. I then offered the whole ‘pay per meet’ idea, as then he could pay what he felt was appropriate as there would be no sex involved until we got to know one another and until I was comfortable. AND HE SAID THAT IT WAS OKAY. I mean obviously he did, I’m a catch and he would be stupid to let me walk away.

Another super relevant side note: you could literally see it in his face how blown away he was by me, which totally makes me sound big headed but he literally said “I can’t believe that you’re on that website, you honestly don’t look like that type of girl” which obviously made my feminism kick in like WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT TYPE OF GIRL? WHAT DOES THAT TYPE OF GIRL USUSALLY LOOK LIKE but then obvs I didn’t say that because hello psycho. He asked me like three times what was wrong with me because I shouldn’t be single and ready to be on a website like that one. Which, just fyi, massive confidence boost!

So, all in all, it wasn’t that bad and I got coffee out of the equation which was nice (OH AND THIS SUPER NICE LADY AT STARBUCKS GAVE ME COUPONS- SCORE, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?!) and then he promised to message me to arrange another date and we hugged and then went our separate ways. He probably went back to his super important life earning like a fuck ton of money, and I went to Primark to buy some booty shorts for my holiday tomorrow. Oh how different we truly are.

And that’s it, there is the story of my first date. I looked lovely when I left the house (thanks to my hair dryer), got absolutely soaked and was 15 minutes late and he then fell in love with me. So far, this sugar daddy dating scene –although somewhat creepy/seedy depending on who you talk to- isn’t too bad (I’m highly aware that it was only one date and I can’t compare the entire thing to one date but I mean as of right now, it’s going good).

Final side note: I told him that I was blogging about my experience and he seemed less interested but more concerned, he asked if he had made an appearance and I lied and said that it was only really the creeps that I had written about and he seemed happy with that response. So here’s hoping that he doesn’t try and track this shit down because that would be super awkward. Haaaa hello potential sugar daddy number 1.

LAST SIDE NOTE I TOTALLY PROMISE : I have more to fill you in on but today is my birthday and I’m literally about to head out the door with my girls. I’ll try and write some more before heading on holiday 🙂 LOVE YOU ALL XXXX


Day two: part two – small talk.

Despite calling this entry ‘small talk’ – this wasn’t actually something that was done often. Once we passed the niceties stage of the conversation, the men that I encountered were very quick to tell me what was expected of me. One guy, offered me £200 per meet up to exchange massages, that’s it. He claims that he was not looking for anything of a sexual nature, just the massages (which sounds relatively dubious to me like one of two things might happen, 1 – he’s a serial killer or 2- he wants to get laid but he doesn’t want to necessarily pay for the sex because it makes him feel bad, so instead he pays for the massage and he counts the sex as free?)

Something that kind of caught me off guard was how easy it was to talk to men, to tell them what I was looking for and to be understanding when they explained themselves. It was actually super straight forward, no bullshit. Weird, huh?

So, because I am probably the laziest person in the entire planet, I have enlisted the help of my best friend. She’s pretty much being my online presence, building rapport etc with these men and promised to be my personal driver / security person (idk what to even describe it as?). Anyway, she’s pretty much doing all the talking for me because I totally suck at it, which is weird because I write so it’s kinda like, why can’t I do both? And I totally could, if I could be bothered and as I’ve already said, I’m lazy and I hate small talk with a serious passion.

So, moving on. Let me tell you all about what I have been offered and what my current plans are. One gentleman has offered me a few thousand per month for two or three sessions per month (sessions are like dinner etc). I mean, I’m not a financial adviser or anything but that does sound pretty decent to me. Of course there’s the whole ‘omg but he could be a murdered or he could hurt you’ scenario but you know what, call me crazy but I think I’ll risk it.

Another man has offered to take me travelling to Budapest for a while, which again, kinda makes you think “he’s totally going to drug you and sell you on the black market” – and despite the fact that I still really want to go, despite the obvious, is that work wouldn’t accommodate for that sort of thing. Which totally sucks.

Basically, so far, I have arranged one coffee date for tomorrow morning (on my birthday so idk whether it will actually make or break the event but fuck it) and I guess I’ll report back to you after that. There have been other messages all offering different things (super interesting fun fact, I have received a few messages from guys who say that they’re not willing to finance you, but that they want a good time. Which is kind of hilarious considering they’re on a sugar daddy website?? Like maybe try tinder love, that might be more your speed?)

Anyway, there are a few potential suitors that I may or may not be inclined to see, but I guess I’ll just be sticking with coffee dates and online chat for the time being. Don’t want to rush into anything just yet, especially since I’m going on holiday on Friday haha. If anything of interest happens before tomorrow’s coffee date, then I’ll be back, until then, have a good night everyone!

Day two – the hunt.

Okay, so I have been approved (yaaaay – I hope). After being approved I spent maybe half an hour going through some profiles, liking people and I sent like 2 messages saying ‘hello’ (basic – I know, shut up) and then I took a nap and cleaned my house. So here I am, my profile has been active for about 4 hours, I have received 6 messages and 10 favourites (that’s when you think someone is hot but you’re too boring to actually message them, it’s like a notification that says HEY YOU MIGHT HAVE POTENTIAL BUT I’M NOT TOO SURE YET SO BRB. Which is always fun.

I’m currently sitting here at 4.30PM with a charcoal face mask on and in my batman PJ’s acting like I’m sophisticated and shit. It’s hilarious really. Anyway, I was seriously SOOOOO close to closing my profile, the sinking realisation of what I had actually signed up for hit me like a steel train and I lay in bed last night wanting to shower and exfoliate like seventeen times. I don’t know about you guys but I just felt super gross about the whole situation. But yeah, I’m over that. I keep telling myself that guys are going to break my heart regardless, I may as well get something out of the situation. So here I am, persevering.

The messages are all pretty basic, asking how I am and what my plans are for the week. I’ve dropped the ‘it’s my birthday tomorrow’ bombshell on the few potential suitors, so we’ll see how that settles. (Maybe I’ll get a little surprise – or maybe I’m too optimistic???).

My facemask feels weird, like it’s starting to harden and I can’t move my face (weirdddd but also kinda digging it, CLEAR MY PORES PLEASEEEEEEE). It’s that peel off one that’s supposed to hurt like hell but you’re supposed to be beautiful after it, so here’s hoping (I’ll keep you updated on that too- haha).

I’m starting to wonder how much of my day I’m supposed to devote to this site, like how many times are you supposed to message someone? How keen are you supposed to be? How do you even start this whole ‘arrangement’ thing?? So many questions!!!!

I guess that’s why I’m doing this, to answer any questions you may have (if you ever decide that you wanna try this out too I guess?)

Anyway, I’m going to stop rambling now and check my messages. Hopefully there’s something nice there, it’s been what, ten minutes?

Update on the facemask, hurt like a bitch and I don’t look different -_-‘

My face is tingling now though, which is weird lmao. I’m so bad at this whole blogging thing, can’t even stay on topic.

Okay, so I’m currently messaging a few people and this one guy hits out with “so, what are you looking for?” and then I realised something, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I’M EVEN DOING. So, I told him that (I realise now that it was probably a mistake but fuck it, I gotta learn somehow!)

I promise to keep you updated with what happens next, I need to get ready to hang out with friends and then I’m working out later so busy busy bee. I”ll probably write another post at some point tonight if there is any progress.

Thanks for reading, hopefully I’ll actually have something worth reading about in my next post haha.


Day one – the decision.

I want you to know that this decision was not one that I took lightly. I really thought about it. Like I reaaaaalllyyyyy thought about it. And by thought about it, I mean I weighed up the risk of getting hurt with the possibility of free shoes and decided that I was going to get hurt by men anyway, so I may as well get something out of it.

After getting my heart broken twice within the space of six months, I realised that I’m always the one who tries. I’m always the one who’s empathetic, understanding, encouraging and just fucking awesome and these guys realise that I’m actually a genuine person and just take take take. So I’m done with that. I’m done being nice, I’m done being everybody’s fucking doormat, from now on, I’m going to be a selfish bitch (except to my friends and family, although I feel like that should really go without saying???) so yeah anyway, I feel like I deserve some proper ‘me’ time.

Although the whole ‘not getting dick’ thing is probably gonna be rather difficult, I like dick, just like almost every single person (shut up, I said almost) and I don’t really see anything wrong with that. So, I will probably have to invest in a vibrator or something of the sorts because my whole ‘no dating for six months’ thing might become invalid.

Let me explain something to you right here before we continue. Yes, I am planning on trying my hand at the sugar daddy / sugar baby scene and no, I do not plan on sleeping with anyone. Good, glad we got that out the way. Now, let’s get down to business.

My website of choice (after much deliberation and research – I read like 3 blogs and some reviews at 4am when I couldn’t sleep) is seeking arrangements, I have made my profile and I am currently awaiting to be approved (how the hell they actually screen people I have no idea but fuck it, in the spirit of trying new things and all that). And now, I wait. They say that it can take 24-48 hours to be approved. I’m a very impatient person so that timescale kinda sucks. Guess I’ll go eat those leftovers and binge some Netflix or something until my time to shine starts.

I will update as soon as I actually have something to update. Peace out.

The difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ – the sugar daddy epiphany.

So, you’re walking home after spending a few hours at some random bars with friends. Your feet ache and all you can think about is the leftovers in the fridge. Your heels slap against the wet ground but you can’t even muster the energy to walk properly. The keys jingle as you pull them from your clutch and unlock your door, and there you stand, in your hallway with make up smeared across your face and in a dress that doesn’t fit all that great, alone.

And that’s when it hits. We’re alone.

My flat was silent, dark but most importantly, it was empty. And as I stood there just staring into the darkness, I realised. I’m not only alone, but I’m lonely. I had spent hours with great people at a bar full of life, I had danced to terrible music in an almost empty club but I laughed so much my face ached. But here I am, at one am, alone.

They say that you need to be comfortable being alone before you can allow yourself to even try at being in a relationship and I guess there is actually quite a lot of merit to this but like, what if you are content being alone, but not being lonely?

We live in a society of smartphones and dating apps, so surely this whole ‘find a decent person’ should be fairly straight forward? IT’S NOT BTW. I’m not entirely sure what the hell happened between then and now but the entire dating scene is a total fucking nightmare.

Situation one: you date a guy for two months before he tells you that he’s actually not looking for a relationship and everything he said prior to that conversation was a lie. So yeah, that was nice.

Situation two: you date a guy for eight months, change your relationship face book status and all that jazz, and then he cheats on you anyway.

And finally, situation three: you’re alone. Because isn’t it so much easier just to be alone than it is to have to go through situation one and two over and over and over? What the hell happened to the nice guys? To the guys who don’t cheat? To the ones that are honest and tell you how it is from the beginning?

Side note: if I did have the courtesy of being told at the beginning, I would have walked away, but instead I had to deal with it after the whole ‘feelings’ crap.

So here it is, my new plan. I’m not dating a single person for 6 months. I’m not giving a single guy the benefit of the doubt, there are no second chances and there are most definitely no feelings. Instead? I’m going to get myself a sugar daddy, because why the fuck not? I get groped and told it was my fault! I get catcalled and get told to accept the compliment! I get fucked around by guys consistently and when I tell people -guy friends included- they nod with sympathy and repeat the exact same four word “yeah, guys are dicks” BUT THEN NOTHING HAPPENS. It’s like we’ve all just accepted that this is how things are now and we just get on with it and we get our heart broken and we become so FUCKING USED TO THIS, that we just pick up the pieces and try again while THESE FUCKING LOSERS do it to another poor girl. So here’s my response, fuck it. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck dating. And, fuck love.

I’m done.

Instead, I will document what happens during my phase of the whole ‘sugar daddy’ process. Who knows, maybe it will be so freaking hilarious that we can all get a little laugh at my expense (don’t worry I’m totally cool with it, I heard they buy you shoes????). So, stay with me my faithful friends, shits about to get weird.

Things unspoken


“There are things I wish I could say, things I wish I could scream and yell at the top of my lungs.
There are things I wish I could mumble and whisper.
There are thoughts that I think that pull me to the brink of insanity.
And I wonder and I dream if you feel the same, even though I know that you don’t.
I wish that things were different, that it wasn’t as hard as this.
I wish I could change who we are but who you are is someone I would miss.
What I’m trying to say is, this could have worked out so differently, it could have been great, but it didn’t and it’s not so I’m calling it quits.
I need to protect myself and you need to grow and maybe someday, I’ll find someone who won’t run for the hills when I fall asleep in their arms.

But today is not that day, and you are not that man”